Still waiting to launch

I've met one of my #Retrofit team members (my program advisor), but I don't feel as though I have fully started. This week I'll meet my behavior coach, next week my registered dietician, and finally in week three my exercise physiologist.

On top of that, it took me almost a week to get all of my tech tools (the scale and the wearable accelerometer) linked up and working the way they are supposed to.

Meanwhile, I've been tracking what I eat online and have been trying to more-or-less be "good," although considering we are in Carnival season, that's not always easy.

I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of the team...but anxious, too. I mean, what can they possibly tell me that I don't already know? How can they fix those crazy nights when we're racing home from a therapy appointment and Dylan has a mountain of homework that he simply can't complete without someone (read: me) rightnexttohim? How do you make a healthy meal in those 10 minute after homework is finally completed before bedtime? How do I incorporate more exercise in that schedule, too? How do I make lighter meals for me while feeding the pickiest kid on the planet and a HungryMan RockStar?

So many questions! And right now I'm in a holding pattern, waiting to find out what they have in store. Eager, anxious, and ready.

I am being #Retrofitted!

The folks at #Retrofit actually sent me a scale. This isn't it.

After my last rather glum post, I've found a definite reason to smile and feel blessed. I won a year's membership with #Retrofit thanks to a blog contest by one of my very favorite bloggers.

If you are not following Pragmatic Mom, you definitely should be. Mia largely blogs about great children's books, but that alone does not describe her blog. Books are the theme, but she doesn't limit herself to that. Along the way, you get tips on parenting, blogging, gift giving, and how to be good to yourself. She's very very real. Read through a few posts and you'll want to grab a cup of coffee with her.  I know I would like to, although a good 1,600 miles separates us!

At the beginning of the year, Mia offered a blog contest with #Retrofit at the prize. I enter a lot of blog contests, but I really wanted to win this one! Amidst all my concerns about Dylan's education and well-being, there's this little teeny-tiny voice saying "What about me!?" Not to mention that despite my best efforts my weight has just been going up and up. I've gained 15 lbs just in the past year! I needed something to change and I'm really really hoping that #Retrofit is it!

I should also give a shout out to Vanita Cyril. She's another Pragmatic Mom fan who guest posted on Pragmatic Mom about her experience with #Retrofit. I hope to follow in her footsteps!

Through it all, I will share my journey with y'all. I know many moms (like this one and this one) who are trying to make this year the year for them.  We all love our kids, but it's hard to be a good mom when you are stressed out and are living only for other people.

Am I nervous? Yup. Do I think it will be easy? Nope.

I'll share more about my anxieties about it in a later post. I have my first meeting with my program advisor on Monday. I'll try to post soon after but one of the first rules of 2013 has got to be: Don't stress yourself out. With work and homework and trying to eat healthy, finding time to blog may not be easy, plus our internet has been a bit inconsistent lately. I hope to figure that out, but count on most posts coming over the weekend.

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted!

(c) Argonne Chronicles 2013

Am I at a crossroads?

I started the year off well. I had my resolutions in hand (written down!) and I had even given myself a month-to-month list of goals. (Thank you Gretchen Rubin and The Happiness Project.)

It wasn't long, however, before I started slide.

Everything seemed grey. Difficult. Too much.

(It probably didn't help that our weather has been grey and a bit difficult.)  

I'm normally go-go-go, but all I seemed to want to do was stay in bed with the covers over my head. I wanted to sleep, which is my go-to avoidance technique. Or read, which I spent an entire Saturday afternoon doing.

I didn't like my world, so I entered the pages of another.

And it's not over yet. I'm a bit better, but still grey.

You might ask, "So, why don't you just get a prescription and take that all away?  All the cool kids are doing it."

I'm sure my doc would do it, but would that really solve anything? It's not like I'm just chemically depressed. A bit of winter-induced sunshine deficit. No, and in fact, I even think it's the desire to change, to make resolutions and do better that has put me here!

There's a realization that there is A LOT to tackle. And not everything fits into a month-to-month plan.

For instance, February was going to be budget month. Get our finances in line, trim those expenses, pay off some debt. But before we could even get there, for the second month in a row, we overdrew.

Now, we are not profligate spenders. We do not have the big DVR/High-Def/500-channel satellite channel. We've got your basic cable on an old big box TV. We have cut back on dining out such that I look forward to my mother-in-law's visits so that we can actually sit in a restaurant. I buy clothes only when something has worn out beyond fixing or I have outgrown something (which is happening to me, much to my chagrin). We keep the thermostat adjusted, buy the cheapest gas, and shop at WalMart (which grates on my soul). The bottom line is that we can't live on my pretty steady salary and RockStar's erratic one.

So not even a month in and January's plan (set better routines) was usurped by February's.

I know, it's not Armageddon, but for whatever reason it set me off. I realized how much the frustrations in my life are interconnected. It's hard to work on one thing exclusively, while the others are screaming for attention. It's overwhelming.  Right now, I feel as though all of these things need my immediate attention:

• Finances - earn more money
• Finances - pay off bills/lower bills
• Dylan's education - figure out some sort of way to help his failing grades (without spending money on tutoring)
• Dylan's socio-emotional needs - figure out ways to help him deal with anger (without more costly doctor bills)
• Home management - get us on a more consistent schedule with healthier meals and a balance between leisure and school/work
• Time management - get it all (my work, home management, helping Dylan with school, Scouts, and oh yeah, time for myself) done without killing myself
• Weight/Health - Eat better and work out more without actually taking up any more time
• Creativity - Feed my creative soul, again without actually taking up any more time or resources

And that list doesn't nclude room for friendship or even nurturing my relationship with RockStar which has its troubles thanks to that uneven financial picture and my current negative body image. Oh, and I still need a way to resolve my feelings about the new dog.

So, what's my solution, right?  You've read this far, you figure there's a neat happy ending? Yeah, well, unfortunately I feel as though I'm still in the thick of it. Still fighting the grey desire to just cover my head with blankets and read a good book. I'm going to work and doing what needs to be done, but it's hard. Today I'm meeting with Dylan's teacher and it's nearly my undoing. I feel as though I need to go through it, not medicate it, but we'll see.

How do you handle overwhelm? Is there a way to make it all fit?




(c) The Argonne Chronicles 2013

 

The Discriminating H

When Dylan was first diagnosed, the official diagnosis was ADHD-Inattentive Type. This corresponds with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, which provides the standard diagnosis language and assessment of mental disorders used by mental health professionals. 

At one time, the DSM recognized attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder separately. I don't pretend to know why the Powers That Be that write, edit, and classify things in the DSM made the change, but I suspect that it had to do with the great deal of crossover among the different types.

Today, the DSM definition of ADHD is broken into three classifications: inattentive, hyperactive, and combined types.

Over time, it has become apparent that Dylan is actually classified as combined type. While inattention to things that are not compelling to him is easily the area that most handicaps him, he also has trouble sitting still, he talks a blue streak, and he's impulsive.

As not just an ADHD parent, but also an ADHD advocate, I will pretty easily share our story. The more parents share what they, their kids, and their families go through, the more I believe the stigma will be reduced. I fear, however, that there remains two distinct levels of stigma.

Often when I share that Dylan has ADHD, another parent will be quick to respond, "Oh, my son has ADD" or "My daughter has that, but without the H." It's obvious that there's a subtle distinction begin made.

If we're ever going to make a difference in the lives of kids and adults with ADHD, we don't need to be making distinctions that could serve to separate some of those who suffer from this disorder. We need to share what it's like, how it makes our kids' lives difficult, what the challenges are, what the successes are, and what makes these kids special, not what separates them from other kids or from each other.

Skin color should not divide us. Sexual orientation should not divide us. And neither should an H.

(c) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

Clearing out the Clutter

December is crazy.

I know this isn't news. The holidays take it out of the best of us.

But to me - for me - it's more than the holidays. It's the fact that the holidays coincide with exams. The weekend before the weekend before Christmas - you know, that time when you should be running around finishing things up so that the focus the weekend before Christmas is on family and not on wrapping, baking, or shopping - is now the focus of intense study. With Dylan's grades such as they are, that meant A LOT of studying. So there went that final bit of shopping. No, I didn't get my wrapping done. And forget about baking.

Don't get me wrong - it was the right thing to do. I can't say that the effort was directly proportional to the results, but it was still the right thing to do. But it made for a somewhat frustrating weekend, a bit a nightmarish week, and then a truly frantic weekend preparing for Christmas.

Were there ways I could've avoided all that? Many blogs and websites will give you a resounding "Yes!" I could've done a lot of that shopping and wrapping and even baking much earlier in the fall. But the fact of the matter is that I was completely buried with work earlier in the fall, so that really wasn't realistic in the life I was living.

So. There we were. Or I was. Weekend before Christmas. Craziness. Wrapping. A little bit of leftover shopping. Christmas cards (I'll admit, they are not even done yet!). Church activities. Family activities. It was nuts.

Again, it was well worth it and this time, the effort was much more in proportion with the results on Christmas morning. (Big sigh!)

We are now left with the detritus of Christmas day surrounding us. Bags, baubles, and bits. Legos scattered far and wide. Boxes half opened everywhere. Time to clear the clutter.

Note: This is NOT my house!

The thing is, I know that it's time to clear out more than the physical clutter, although that is a big part of it. It's amazing to me that seven years after losing almost everything to Katrina, we have SO MUCH stuff. Today, I cleared out some of it - a massive amount of clothing I wasn't (or couldn't) wear. It was sad and felt good all at the same time. Our church's homeless program will benefit from it greatly.

And I know it's just one step. There's more - much more - clutter to clear out. Clutter that's holding me back physically. And clutter of mind that's holding me back mentally. It has to go. 2013 has to be a completely different year than 2012. I need to parent more effectively. I need to tend to my own needs better. We need to manage our funds more closely. We need to eat more healthfully and get more activity, all of us.

A Four-Legged Problem

Something I haven't talked about much here but is intimately connected with me is my sheer, unadulterated love of dogs.

I have loved dogs for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up, our next-door neighbor had a super mean German Shepherd who would come running up to the fence growling and snarling.

As soon as I could walk, I would go right up to him and scare my mother half to death in the process.

As I set out on an independent, post-college life, I got a dog and a van and traveled cross country (more on that some other day).

Within six months of getting together, RockStar and I had adopted a Golden Retriever and our husky arrived less than a year later.

I am physically unable to avoid meeting dogs wherever I go. I joke that my mission in life is to meet every dog on the planet. I'm literally drawn to them like a magnet.

Which is why it is so incredibly disconcerting to have adopted a dog and to not be in love with her.

This is Cassidy:

(along with RockStar and Dylan).

We adopted her two weeks ago. Best guess is that she is a bloodhound/basset hound mix. I want to love her.  But she bites and when you tell her no, she stands up to you and barks indignantly, like "Who are you to tell me what to do." We've been doing everything recommended, but nothing takes. She is as defiant as ever. 

Keep in mind that I did NOT want a puppy. I like to adopt dogs who are a little bit older.  For one thing, everyone adopts the puppies. They don't last in the shelter! For another, when they are a little older, they've worked these puppy issues out.

Admittedly, it's more than that. This just isn't the type of breed mix I would have chosen. I like a BIG dog, the bigger the better. Although her feet suggest size, her little legs tell you that she will only ever get so big. I want a big lug to lean on me.

With everything we have going on here: a hyperactive kid who is failing and falling behind, a rock 'n' roll schedule to deal with, scouts, etc., a biting dog who wants to be Top Dog is so not what we need! I didn't pick her out (RockStar did) and while I was "consulted" it was not in a "let's talk about this, what kind of dog do we want" kind of way. It was a "here's a video, isn't she great, I'm in love with her, Dylan really wants a puppy" kind of way.

I feel like an idiot for going along with it all. But like so often, I do just go along...it's easier being Switzerland and not having too many opinions or being selective in the things I do have opinions on. Still, who do you think is coming home at lunch to let her out? Who took her to the shelter for her final puppy shots? Whose been calling breeders and trainers to ask about her wild ways?

I want to love her.  If she would just stop biting everyone and everything and - more importantly - trying to be the Alpha dog, maybe it would be okay. I have never abandoned a dog and I do not want to start now.

(c) The Argonne Chronicles 2012  

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

It's never easy to know the right thing to do when you are an ADHD parent. Okay may be good enough, but doesn't there always seem to be something better out there?

Like most kids with ADHD, Dylan has been on a variety of medications since he was first diagnosed. Daytrana, Metadate, Focalin, and Vyvanse. He was actually on Vyvanse twice. The first time we tried it, he had terrible letdown when the meds wore off. This time, it seemed to have worked adequately well. Not as well as the first month of Metadate, but that's a nirvana we will probably never see again.

So the Vyvanse would keep him relatively focused and lasted a fair amount of the day, but something was still missing. His math and social studies grades have remained in the D-F range, and his recall for what goes on in class has been minimal.

Now, I fully realize there is no drug to address executive function deficits, but I cannot help wondering if he could just focus better and longer, maybe he could remember a bit more and better understand what he learns.

Finding a psychiatrist has been something of a challenge. Our pediatrician, whom I love, didn't seem too enthusiastic about our going to one (afraid of losing the business? I don't know.). The first one we went to would routinely be two to two-and-a-half hours late for appointments, which was unacceptable. We were ready to see a psychologist with prescription privileges until she left the practice. And no one - no one - seemed to be on our insurance.

So we went with a recommended doc not on our insurance. Sigh...

As expensive as it is, she's been wonderful. We've only seen her twice but she is very straight-forward and includes Dylan in on everything in a very age-appropriate way.

Her approach is "Let's try it and see." She would rather try something to find a better choice than stick it out with a less-than-ideal option. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and you can always go back is the way she operates. I like it.

First, she had us try a higher dose of the Vyvanse. You would think dose A is good, bigger dose B is better, right? Not so much. He was less focused. The same thing, actually, had happened when we had upped the Metadate.

Two weeks ago, we were set to try Straterra. She said it doesn't work for at least half of kids, but for those whom it does work for, it works great. Worth trying except...we couldn't get Dylan to swallow pills. It's mental rather than physical, but you can't exactly make someone swallow something.

A week later, she put Dylan on Tenex compounded by a local pharmacy as a liquid. Dylan balked but we were able to get it in him. As expected, he was very sleepy the first few days. Just as he started feeling better, the dose went up to two times a day and it was back to feeling tired and out of it. The doc encouraged patience...but in the end Dylan couldn't take it. He said he felt "dumb" and that he did worse in class than when he was on no medication.

So, we're back to Vyvanse. Only by the time we pulled off of the Tenex it was a Friday and we only had TWO capsules left. I didn't realize it until Saturday when one of those was gone. So we went the whole weekend without meds (challenging but doable). Today, I gave him some short-acting Ritalin I had from an old bump-up afternoon prescription for him. It seemed like a good idea...until we got home when the scream fest began. NO homework got done tonight and we had lots of yelling, drama, and accusations.

Tomorrow, he'll have the remaining Vyvanse and tomorrow afternoon we see the psychiatrist again and can get a refill prescription. It seems like "halleluia" but the reality it's just back to what we have had. We want better, but it could be that all we can have for now is okay and good enough. It's not fair that a bright boy with so much potential can't focus, remember, or retain enough to have even a moderate amount of success; that he daily feels like the "dumbest kid in the class."

It's not fair, but I guess right now not fair but adequate has to be good enough.

(c) 2012 The Argonne Chronicles