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Note: This is another example of Blogger Scheduler not working. I have already gone to visit my mom and come back.  
 
Dealing with, addressing, trying to find solutions for Dylan's issues consumes me and weighs on me. Couple that with financial troubles and it's almost difficult for me to get through my work day.

And then there was more.

For a few years now my mom has been battling bone cancer. It's odd to say, but up to now, it's actually gone well. Bone cancer is incurable, from what I understand, but she's gone through most of it really well.

You hear horror stories about chemotherapy, but the reality is that although it made her a little tired, she never lost a single strand of hair. She continued going out daily for coffee and meals. For a while, it almost became just an annoying part of life, like weekly allergy shots.

It got a little tougher when she started having breathing trouble. Mom smoked for fifty years, so breathing issues were not entirely unexpected (at least by me; it somehow came as a surprise to her). The doctors said that the chemo probably exacerbated the problem and brought it to the surface, but didn't directly cause it.

At first, having to be on oxygen freaked her out way more than the chemotherapy ever did. She went into the hospital twice due more to the anxiety over it than anything else. After a while, however, she acclimated and actually the problems lessened. She didn't have to be on oxygen all the time and she got a little different system that was more manageble. She entered another phase of managing her cancer seemingly well, although she did have to curtail shopping (her greatest love) because her breath didn't have the stamina.

Then her ankles started to swell. She's actually had this problem for a long, long time, thanks to high blood pressure, but from what I understand, it was much, much worse. Steroids helped for a while, but they don't like you to be on them forever. She ended up having a nurse come in to wrap them. It became difficult for her to get around, but not impossible.

Even that became more manageable. But then she got tired. Really really REALLY tired. My mom has always been one to get out of the house every single day. She has a whole slew of coffee clatch regulars she would meet with and go out to dinner with. But she was finding that she couldn't do it. Worse, she didn't even want to.

She feared the worst. And apparently the worst was true.

I don't know all the details. For starters, my mom is the one of the most independent people you will ever meet. She's also one of the least questioning people - meaning she will take in what doctors tell her without asking a lot of questions.

What seems clear is that the cancer that was held steady for so long is spreading. And the chemotherapy is no longer helping. She thinks it's now in her lungs, courtesy of a persistent cough. The doctors have told her there is nothing more they can do for her and to get her affairs in order.

I do not even know how to react to all this.

I'm 1,500 miles away from her. What can I possibly do?  How can I possibly be there for her when she needs me?

I feel like a failure as a daughter, even as I know that I would probably make all the same decisions over again.

Dylan and I will fly up there next week to be with her. She doesn't have a lot of energy, but we are planning to see the new Star Trek movie. My mom was an original Trekkie and is still a huge fan. I'll also try to help start the mon-u-mental task of going through her stuff. She is a bit of a hoarder.

I don't know how to tell her all the things I should, especially with emotional, reactive Dylan right there with me. I don't know how to say final things or even how to deal with the fact that a year from now I might be celebrating Mother's Day without my mother.

I'm sad, stunned, and empty. My mom is not the Leave it Beaver or Brady Bunch mom, but she's mine and I don't want to lose her. I want to go back in time and take those cigarettes out of her hand. I want to get her out and walk with her and force her to be healthy and eat right. But just as she couldn't change my decisions, I know I could never have changed hers.

How have you dealt with the loss of a parent? How do you prepare? How do you ever get over it?

 (c) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

What aren't we seeing

Evidently, there's something not quite right with scheduling blogs on Blogger. This was supposed to post on 5/15. Apologies for the delay!

It's been a rough spring. We started 2013 with a SAT team meeting that earned Dylan direct intervention (RTI) but only in math. By the end of third quarter, it was obvious that intervention had helped (his math grade went from an F to a C) but he was still failing science and social studies. His reading and language grades were adequate to good, but that didn't really help him since the school wouldn't provide remediation for his failing subjects, only language/reading.

His teacher, seeing the writing on the wall, suggested that we accept the fact that he will fail fifth grade and focus exclusively on math and not worry about science or social studies. Although I could totally see her point, I just couldn't agree with demonstrating to him that it was okay to let those subjects go. I wanted him to try.

Grades aren't final, but it looks like he will fail science for the third quarter in a row, while he will squeak by with a D in social studies. Stunningly, he will fail reading.

I wish I could say that the school is falling all over themselves to figure out what's going on and questioning why a child who has always passed reading is suddenly failing. But as usual, the school is rather relaxed in their approach. They have sent me a notice about a 2 week summer program in math, language, and reading, but they can't really tell me much about the program, especially how it will be different from Sept. - May instruction.

A few months ago, I applied for Dylan's admission to a local private school that strives to have a balanced mix of struggling learners, "regular" students, and gifted students in each class. Struggling learners are given the opportunity to work in very small groups in the subjects that they have trouble with. They also offer art at every grade level, science lab every week, and loads of interesting clubs. It sounded ideal for Dylan.

It also came with a big price tag but I took the plunge and applied for financial aid. After all, I was able to go to a pricey Seven Sisters college thanks to heavy financial aid. We aren't in such a different position than my mom was when I went to college.

A few weeks ago, Dylan spent the day there to test out his fit for the school. I know he had mixed feelings, but he was definitely open to the idea. He sees first-hand how he struggles and really does want to do well in school. That said, he has good friends where he is, so his emotions were conflicted, understandably so.

I got the call on Friday: Dylan was not accepted to the school. When I asked why, I was told that the teachers reported that Dylan seemed sad and didn't seem like he wanted to be there. Although that would seem like a good-enough reason why he shouldn't be there, the fact is I'm willing to bet his current teachers would report the exact same thing.

The fact is that he does seem sad a lot of the time. He doesn't interact with his class. He does shut down. And it's getting worse.

I was really angry last week when I realized that he had just filled in random multiple choice answers on a take-home test. Now that I have cooled off, I've started thinking about how his academic life has taken such a downward spiral.  School seems to be practically painful for him. I don't doubt that he has ADHD, but I feel as though we are missing something. We know he has anxiety, but is that the real root of his problems? Is his anxiety really so much worse than we realized? Is it paralyzing him?

In July, Dylan will go to SOAR Camp for a 3-week academic/challenge course. He's excited about it and I'm hopeful. Maybe this is just what he needs - to be around kids like him and to be challenged, independently, to show who he is. Not to the other kids, but to himself. He needs to believe in himself; to believe he CAN. Because I know he can, and I want him to be able to show it to everyone else, especially the non-believers at his school.

(c) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

A Retrofit Update

After my "week oneish" update, I'm sure you thought there'd be a week two update, or at least a month oneish update. Yeah, I did, too.

But it's been a bit of a rough spring. I'll get into that in some future posts that I'm writing today and scheduling to appear later in the week. Right now, let me tell you about what it has been like to be on #Retrofit.

For starters, I have to again give props to Pragmatic Mom. It was from her fabulous blog that I earned the opportunity to try #Retrofit. #Retrofit is an online and Skype-based program that gives you access to tools, technology, and real people to help you get control of your life. That's right, I didn't say that it helps you lose weight. Although it never quite says it this way, it's obvious that the underlying philosophy of #Retrofit is to help you manage your life so that food is neither the center of it nor the "go to" in times of trouble.

You get in-person access to three professionals. (It was actually four when I first started the program, but they have changed things up a bit.) Going along with you on this journey is a life coach who acts as your in-person program manager, a dietician who helps you work through your food choices, and an exercise physiologist who helps you incorporate more activity into your day.

You are also provided with lots of tools. For instance, I have a FitBit pedometer/accelerometer that now goes with me everywhere, tracking my steps, how active I am, even how many stairways I climb. It's pretty amazing what it can tell! I also weigh in on a scale they provided to me and it logs my weight online. I track all of my food and exercises on the #Retrofit timeline. Or I did...my dietician is now having me photolog my food choices on a different site - Meallogger.com. Since the beginning, I've also been sent a heart monitor and some exercise tubes.

It seemed really easy at first. It didn't seem that different from my normal way of eating. But unless you do something different, you get the same results you always got, right? So the scale wasn't moving much at all. And I was getting discouraged.

My team was supportive and gentle, but showed me that even though I wasn't gorging on Ben and Jerry's every day, maybe I wasn't being as careful as I ought to be. I admit I hate the idea of trying to be perfect because my life is faaaaaar from perfect! It was obvious, though, that I had to be more careful. So I almost completely cut wine out of my weekdays. I got real careful about taking a bite of Dylan's meal here, a taste of what I was making there.

I also focused more on getting steps. This was harder in some ways because I really do have very little "fat" in my day to borrow from. At work, I'm sitting in a chair all day in front of a computer. It's not an active job. My exercise physiologist suggested I try to walk around the building a couple of times and add four flights of stairs. I thought the walk around would be easy and the stairs hard. Turns out it was the reverse. Getting out of the building seems to be a major commitment, but I've started getting some flights in every time I use the restroom.

S l o w l y  it's been working. I've lost about nine pounds and I hope to make it ten before I go to my college reunion next weekend. I am beginning to learn how to live my life differently. When faced with a buffet of menu choices, I try to think about which ones are lowest in calories and, importantly, which ones are balanced choices? If I have to attend the PTO meeting or run an errand, I try to walk there. It's making a difference, without being so radical that it's not maintainable.

Best of all, I have some pants that feel slightly loose! Not I-have-to-buy-a-new-pair-today-before-someone-laughs-at-me loose, but loose enough to feel great when I put them on.

In a way, I'm glad I haven't been giving you weekly updates. You might've become discouraged and not had much faith in the program. You might not have stuck around to see the beginnings of my success!

Think you might be interested in trying it? It is a commitment, but sometimes a commitment is the only way you will get the job done. If you want to give it a try, visit this link. #Retrofit will know that I referred you and that I appreciate the help they have given me so far.

Try it! All you have to lose is weight. And all you have to gain is YOU.

(C) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

#Retrofit: A Week Oneish Update

This past week really felt like my first real week of #Retrofit. The program is very different from others I've tried or even viewed from afar. There's no set "starting point." There's no quick start or even a set meal plan. That's actually the point of the program. They want to teach you to eat well and healthy for life. It's all about developing good practices and making them a normal part of your life.

Still, after I spoke with my nutritionist, Stefanie, I felt like I was at the starting point. She didn't have any surprising or life-altering news about eating to share with me. In fact, among the resources she did share with me was the visual from the government's My Plate program, which replaced the Food Pyramid we all grew up with.

My Plate is all about balancing what you eat at every meal. It's a simple formula, really. About a quarter of your food should be protein, a quarter starch, and half your plate should be veggies and fruit. That's not so different from how I eat on a normal basis.

Planning my meals is even easier since I started using The Fresh 20. I know a lot of bloggers promote products and services on their blogs in return for freebies or some kind of remuneration. While I would love that to be the case here, it simply isn't so.

I learned about The Fresh 20 when I signed up for a Groupon offering their services at half price. It was at the end of last year and I knew for 2013 I really did want to try to do better at planning meals. Half price was a great deal, so I signed up.

I didn't really get going with it until late January, but I can tell you that I love it. The Fresh 20 really does make planning meals easy and the recipes are pretty easy and delicious! I've actually had interesting meals that are healthy and well balanced the past few weeks.

Now, I don't follow their plan precisely. Some weeks I only use 3-4 of the five recipes. I've also switched out quinoa (which I don't like) for brown rice or couscous or used ground beef in place of ground turkey if that's what I have in my fridge. Bottom line: We are not eating the same thing week after week.

With all those healthy meals, I was fully prepared for at least a small loss. Unfortunately, the scale went up a little. Yes, I was disappointed, but I have to remember that with my back bothering me, I haven't been exercising. Maybe that's the reason? I'm crossing my fingers for this week!  I'll report back and let you know.

(c) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

 

Just let me put the pieces together

I had an interesting conversation with a staff person at my son's school today. Although she knows him well, today was the first day she really watched him try to do homework.

"Is he on medication for his ADHD?" she asked when I went to pick him up.

We talked about all the medications he's been on in the past 2-1/2 years. She was shocked. "Because usually they help them to settle down and focus," she said.

Don't I know it?!

We proceeded to talk for at least 15 minutes. She specializes on special ed and she said that his level of academic disability really qualifies for a school to pay for a "shadow," someone who would help to keep him on track. That is...he would qualify if we weren't at a charter school.

You know, at one time, I supported charter schools. After all, being a charter helped our school get back up and running after Katrina. But I'm learning that all the things I've heard about charters are true. They are exclusionary. They find ways to keep out the kids who bring the test scores down. They wear you down until you leave and go somewhere else.

So, on the one hand it was refreshing to have someone really understand what it's like to work with Flipper*, but on the other it was that sad, brutal understanding that no one can/will/wants to do anything about it. (Actually this teacher would LOVE to do something about it, but her hands are tied.)

I feel as though helping my child is like working on a puzzle. I've got the picture of what it should look like - a picture of success with encouragement, self-esteem, and building on strengths. The only problem is that I've only been given half the puzzle pieces. I have to search for the other pieces and they are all in different places - online, at clinics, in doctor's offices, in teachers' classrooms, in learning centers. Sometimes, the puzzle pieces don't even seem to fit, or seem broken. Even more often, those puzzle pieces are out of my budget, so even if it looks like the perfect piece, I just can't buy it. I just can't help my son. I can't create that beautiful picture of success.

(c) The Argonne Chronicles, 2013

*I'm thinking about giving my son an alter ego. What do you all think?

Stalled launch?

Okay, so I've launched, in that I have met both my behavior coach and my nutritionist (I meet the exercise physiologist next week), but...I'm flat on my back and not really able to do much in terms of watching what I eat or exercising.

Bummer, hunh?

I've had back issues from time to time from years. It's a family tradition, really. My mom's had back issues. My uncle. My aunt. It was bound to happen.

This back issue started on Sunday. I wish I could say I was dancing the tango or doing the limbo or even just sashaying down the street after a parade. In fact, I was changing the sheets.

Yup. Done in by 800 count linens (or whatever they are).

Actually, that moment wasn't so bad. I immediately laid down and stretched and felt pretty good until a few hours later when I moved a stool. Crack. Did it again.

That was bad, but not awful. I stretched again. On Monday, I worked on my Mardi Gras costume, but also rested. It was damp out, probably not the best weather. We were going to go to a parade, but just ended up going downtown for a little while, which was probably a good thing.

Then came Mardi Gras.

I'm sure many of you think Mardi Gras is the drunken porn fest you see on TV. You think the revelers are hedonistic pagans. In reality, Mardi Gras is a (mostly) family friendly celebration of creativity. With a lot of walking. And even more standing. And some alcohol.

Did I say A LOT of walking and A LOT of standing?

That DID ME IN.

By the end of the day, my back was throbbing.

Thankfully, I had had the foresight to take Wednesday off and was able to rest. I'd probably be in a pretty good position had I not tried to get our puppy into her crate. The combination of her 28 lbs and the angle I was at combined to make a big CRACK. Lots of pain. And I haven't been right since.

I've been in bed all day. On heat and ice. In pain. I have to hope it will go away, because I just cannot afford the chiropractor right now.

After talking to my nutritionist, I was all set to make lovely, healthy meals that looked like an advertisement for MyPlate.gov. Instead, I'm eating what's quick and able to be consumed in a nearly prone position. I'm certainly not exercising.

So, I will be #Retrofitting myself...eventually. When I can walk again.

(c) Argonne Chronicles 2013

Still waiting to launch

I've met one of my #Retrofit team members (my program advisor), but I don't feel as though I have fully started. This week I'll meet my behavior coach, next week my registered dietician, and finally in week three my exercise physiologist.

On top of that, it took me almost a week to get all of my tech tools (the scale and the wearable accelerometer) linked up and working the way they are supposed to.

Meanwhile, I've been tracking what I eat online and have been trying to more-or-less be "good," although considering we are in Carnival season, that's not always easy.

I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of the team...but anxious, too. I mean, what can they possibly tell me that I don't already know? How can they fix those crazy nights when we're racing home from a therapy appointment and Dylan has a mountain of homework that he simply can't complete without someone (read: me) rightnexttohim? How do you make a healthy meal in those 10 minute after homework is finally completed before bedtime? How do I incorporate more exercise in that schedule, too? How do I make lighter meals for me while feeding the pickiest kid on the planet and a HungryMan RockStar?

So many questions! And right now I'm in a holding pattern, waiting to find out what they have in store. Eager, anxious, and ready.