Dollars and Nonsense

Can we get a RedBox?

Can we eat at McDonald's?

Can you download this ap/get this Lego(tm)/buy me a snowball?

The requests are pretty relentless and I am not typically an "easy" mom. I don't just buy stuff because I'm asked, although if there's a good reason for it (like, it's 98 degrees and the request is for a snowball) there's a possibility that I'll go for it.

The problem has become that even little expenses are hurting our budget.

Much as I hate to admit it, we are living above our means. This is not to say that we are taking fabulous vacations, buying designer clothes, and installing a swimming pool.  I only wish it were that easy.

We are living above our means despite the fact that we almost never go out to eat anymore.  We are living above our means despite the fact that we don't have premium movie channels, high-def TV, or a video game system.  We are living above our means despite the fact that I now park two blocks from my office, near the projects and not in my building in order to save money.

How do I explain budgeting to a 10-year old when I'm not even sure that we parents get it?

That said, I'm trying. When Dylan suggested he could live on selling lemonade (and keep in mind his own lemonade selling experience netted a profit of $2.50), I created an itemized budget for him. Rent, utilities, groceries, and other basic needs for a single guy. Then we talked about all the start-up and recurring costs he would have in his lemonade business. With what he would need to live on, his costs, and a target number of sold cups, he would have to sell the lemonade at $3.00 a cup - and that was for lemonade made from the flavored powder, not real lemons and sugar. 

Would you buy fake lemonade for $3.00 a cup? 

I also opened him an account at ThreeJars.com.  I forget where I read about it, but it's a Dave Ramsey site to teach kids about money.  I agreed to give him a $3.00 allowance in return for some chores, and I created some other tasks that can earn him bonus funds.  We'll see how it works.

The Three Jars refer to Save, Spend, Share. Although our own budget is mostly focused on spending at the moment, I long to get back to the save and share modes, too.

So after I helped Dylan learn about money...I started taking some of my own advice.  

I've actually been working on this for a while. I tracked our expenses for a couple of months. Not pretty. I've now taken that and lowered our targets. So instead of spending $700 - $800 on groceries, we will now try to live on $600 of groceries. Sounds simple? It is until you try to keep the groceries to $125 per trip, with an extra $25 for stuff we run out of during the week, mostly perishables.

I've also cut back on some of our cell phone plans. Based on our usage, I think we can do it, although the overage fees are significant if we cannot. But I've learned how to check our usage and I've told RockStar he has to reign in his texting habit.

You do feel more in control by planning a good budget, although even with all the changes I've made there's still a bigger expense column than a salary column. And I don't see a lot of ways to make that change unless we take some drastic measures that I'm not all that keen about. Cut Dylan's Kung Fu classes? Not acceptable. Cut out internet entirely? Not realistic.

It's frustrating, as I've shared before. But since the alternatives are to get depressed or sell our house, I have to try. And maybe if we can get our finances in order, we can be an example to Dylan.  Even if he misses a RedBox or two.

Techno-Strategy Excitement

I'm so excited, and it's all from a webinar.

I've attended more than a few webinars in my day, and they certainly are not all created equal. Many of them have interesting titles but it quickly becomes obvious that they just want to sell you something.

Some present information that's so basic you would have to be completely new to the subject to get anything out of it.

In the best of webinars, it can be hard to maintain your attention since you lack a warm, physical body in your presence (or maybe this is just me).

Today's webinar was unlike any of these examples.

I found out about it from a local non-profit group geared to parents of kids with disabilities. It can be hard to think of your child as being "disabled," especially in comparison to kids with "real" disabilities like cerebral palsy or blindness. But when you look at the impact of executive function deficits on academic learning, the label of disability becomes a little easier to apply.

Educational consultant Susan Fitzell was the presenter and the title was "Techno-Strategy Blast." I won't give away the tips and tricks she presented - maybe she'll do a webinar or presentation that you can take part in - but I will describe some of the reasons why I'm so excited about it.

The presentation was divided into five or six different areas, and covered web-based tools to help kids with learning deficiencies.  Really many, if not not most, of the tools would help kids of any kind.  

She talked about timers and flash cards, both of which we used at home.  But it was a huge "ah hah" moment when she showed us ways to incorporate visuals into flash cards!  What a simple idea that could potentially make a huge difference in committing facts to memory! 

A number of other tools branched off of the typical flash card to other visual methods of learning and studying.  One of my big beefs with typical schools is that kids are not taught how to study.  These tools and ideas go a long way to giving kids appropriate and helpful tools for studying.

Another part of the webinar focused on both auditory and video tools. She mentioned using books on tape and later in the session I asked about "relying" on audio books over traditional reading.  She shared a great story about a student who had done the majority of his K-12 reading through audio books and went on to do well in college.  While I'm not ready to give up traditional reading, she helped me to see that audio books provide another option for helping with schoolwork.  She also highlighted the benefits of continuing to read to kids long after they are past picture books.  I love reading to Dylan and don't see us giving it up any time soon or, really, ever!

Fitzell is a teacher, but she's also a mother whose son got through school and is in college while working with two learning disabilities.  While it's great to hear from knowledgeable experts, it's even better to hear from a mom who has successfully helped their unique kids navigate through academic waters.

I "left" the webinar excited.  I want to try some of the tools she shared, and I feel re-energized for the second half of the summer's learning opportunities. We had a rough year, last year, but this presentation helped me feel that we can readjust and start over this coming year. 

A Flair for the Dramatic

Oh, the drama.

Every, and I do mean every, parent of a child with ADHD is very familiar with drama. There's the we're-leaving-the-house-right-now-and-I-can't-find-my-shoes drama. There's the I'm-so-tired-I-can't-do-homework-but-I-could-easily-build-a-3-story-castle-with-Legos(tm) drama.

There's drama over wanting a playdate, or an ice cream, or a hug after you've done something you shouldn't have.

There's the drama of thinking you are too cool for school or at least too cool for parents.

Really, there is drama for every situation.

Thankfully for ADHD moms, the drama is not limited to our "highly spirited" children. To every childhood, a little (or a lot of) drama must reign.

But in a new turn of event, for once, I am encouraging the drama.

It's Camp Drama.

Okay, that's not really the name of the camp. In fact, the first appearance of this welcome drama isn't even at a drama camp. It's at Dylan's annual, ordinary camp, where he gets to choose activities for each of the two sessions of camp.

In the first session, he had karate, science, and water play. This time around, though, it's baseball, math, and ... dut da da da ... drama!

I've been encouraging him to get involved in drama for a while now. In addition to his natural proclivity towards drama, Dylan is also painfully shy. Not when you know him - he'll talk your ear off then. But if he doesn't know you, he's practically mute. 

At my office, in the elevators, he hides behind me.  At 10.

If I'm lucky, when meeting someone new, he'll mumble "Hi" before running somewhere or hiding under a table.

So, I'm hopeful that drama will give him a way to overcome his shyness.

If he can get used to putting someone else's words in his mouth, perhaps he can put some of mine in there when he is in a situation where he has met someone. We've discussed various phrases:

"Pleased to meet you."

"Nice to meet you."

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Okay, that last one sounds a little dated, but it was in an old movie we watched and he liked it and started saying it over and over again. I'm still waiting for him to actually use it on a real, live person.

After his normal camp, he will attend a performing arts camp, where I hope he'll really get into drama during the three weeks he's there. 

I can say that so far he really likes it. He's been begging me to go over his lines with him. It's a short script - just one page typed - about two kids at a movie. He's been working hard to give feeling to his words.

That's another part I hope helps.  Giving him words to use. When he's angry, so often it's just reaction, not description. I try to encourage him to talk about what he's feeling, what's wrong, why he's angry, but a lot of times, it's just noise or anger, not something I can use to help.

Will four weeks make a big difference? I don't know. Dylan's school has a "Talented in Theater" program, but not only do you have to audition to get in, he already misses most of his "flex time" classes to finish work he doesn't complete in class. I don't want to get him into something he doesn't actually get to go to. At one time, the school had a drama club. it seemed to go away, but it would be great if it came back...if it didn't interfere with homework.

I tell him all the time that he doesn't have to tell someone his life story; he just needs to be friendly and nice when he meets them. We all need to learn this at some point; it's just a little more challenging for introverts. Thankfully, we are not alone.  Here's a list of shy celebrities and other famous people:  www.shakeyourshyness.com.

Introversion is also getting a bit of love from author and speaker Susan Cain, who talks about how the current practice of grouping kids in classrooms can be challenging for introverts.  Here's her TED talk.

I'll report back at the end of the summer on how all that drama unfolds. And let me know if you've tried drama to overcome shyness and anger, or have you found other ways to deal with them.

Shakespeare, look out! We're gettin' dramatic!

Cub scouting and ADHD

Dylan and I just got back from a 4-day camping trip. Webelos Adventure Camp. Now, I do not recommend camping in Southern Mississippi in late June. Too hot, too many red ants, and did I mention it's too hot?

But I do wholeheartedly recommend scouting.

I've seen posts on message board where parents can't deal with having their son with ADHD in cub scouting and I get it. I do.  

Den meetings are a challenge. While there are a lot of things that cub scouts do that are active, there are also a lot of requirements that require them to sit still, be quiet, and pay attention.

Yeah, right.

For better or worse, I am also Dylan's den leader.

On the one hand, you might think that would help. After all, I would be in the leadership position to tell him to be quiet, sit still, and pay attention.  I should have the most experience dealing with him.

But being a den leader has been a challenge.

When he was younger, it was worse.  He would want to talk to me as mommy while I was leading the meeting. He would get upset if I didn't give him all the jobs and let him lead the pledge, etc.

We also had boys in the den who played into his needs pretty negatively.  

As he's gotten older and the den has changed and different members have come and gone, and we've gotten more into a routine. He better, if not entirely, understands that I can't be focused exclusively on him. The boys understand him more and some of them have also been diagnosed with ADHD.

More than all that, I think scouting gives him regular opportunities to grow, learn, and achieve in ways that school simply does not.  Most of the achievements cub scouts are required to fulfill don't rely on executive function skills the way math, reading, and writing do.

When he does fulfill achievements, he gets that all-important positive feedback. While not quite immediate, it's close enough to count. Close enough to keep him working at it.

Scouting also lets him face his fears. Dylan hates, hates, insects. Yet he charged headlong into the weekend and never once complained about the ants or any of the other insects around us.

I did have a moment that gave me pause, not long after we got there. He had to take a swim test, consisting of swimming four lengths of the pool. I wish I could say that he passed with flying colors. He was terrified to take the test and did not do well. He did jump in into the 12-feet of water (which thoroughly impressed me). But despite swim lessons in the past and this summer, he couldn't even make it half a length. I know he has the ability - but he overthinks it, both in lessons and during this test.  Once he starts swimming and doing well, he realizes he's swimming. He especially realized he was in 12-ft of water.

He tried twice but neither time took. He was crushed.  He said he wanted to go home and didn't want to be in scouts anymore. I was heartbroken for him and I wasn't sure what would happen.

But this is where scouting is so good. Despite what he said, he stuck with it. In fact, in about an hour or two, he'd shaken it all off. He swam in the pool during formal and informal activities in the 3-ft section with nary a complaint. In fact, he didn't mention his failure again - a very rare occurrence for him.


I won't say that he didn't have oppositional moments. Moments where I had to walk away from him so I didn't say too much. Moments where I wondered how could he not see what I was doing for him (sleeping with the bugs, in the extreme heat, taking time off from work, etc., etc.) and not be at least slightly appreciative. 


In the end, he was, appreciative, that is.

Despite the ants, and the heat, and the disastrous swim test, he got a lot out of the weekend and, despite the ants and the heat and the disastrous swim test, I guess I did, too.  I saw a glimpse of a more mature boy, a boy who doesn't give up, who respects authority, and who becomes a strong adult I will be proud to call my son. Just as I was proud to call him my son this weekend.

Well this explains a lot...or not

I thought when I saw this info from smartkidswithld.org that maybe it explained some of Dylan's ADHD, beyond the paternal genetic link:

Late Babies At Risk for Developing ADHD in Early Childhood

For years scientists have warned that premature birth is a risk factor for behavioral and emotional problems, but now researchers are suggesting that overdue births may present similar challenges.

Results from a recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology found that children born more than two weeks past their due date were twice as likely as term children to develop problem behaviors—especially ADHD—in early childhood.

While researchers were quick to note that further study is needed to understand the causal relationship between gestational age and ADHD, they were able to exclude certain variables such as mother’s height and weight, income, education level, ethnicity, alcohol and cigarette use, and mental health during pregnancy.

Instead they hypothesize several possibilities to explain their findings: larger babies have increased risk for birth-related problems; post-term placenta provides less nutrients and oxygen; and late-term births are more complicated than term births.

This particular study is one component of a large population-based study in the Netherlands that is following a cohort from fetal life to young adulthood. For this effort, researchers surveyed the parents of 5,145 babies born from 2002 to 2006. Participants were sent standardized, validated questionnaires when their babies were 18 and 36 months old. Results at both questionnaire intervals showed a U-shaped pattern with preterm and post-term babies at greater risk for behavioral and emotional problems. (link)

Dylan was late - induced at 42 weeks and still not eager to come out.  But he had none of the other markers they discuss:  birth-related probmes (we had none) and a more complicated birth (beyond the lack of desire to come out, the birth was complication free).  The placenta providing fewer (did they have to use poor English!) nutrients is a consideration, though.

It changes nothing.  ADHD moms constantly seeking causes and solutions have to remember that finding sources changes nothing.  And we/I have to avoid second guessing decisions that seemed good at the time.  

The Smart Kids with LD site is great!  Their blog newsletter is wonderful, sent only when there's worthwhile news.  The site is laid out well and provides information for a range of learning deficits and does not treat ADHD like a step-child. 

Encouraging perseverence

Dylan started Kung Fu just about a year ago.  He had long wanted to do some sort of martial art, but I had dragged my feet.

The cost.  The time.  The cost.

Kung Fu got in through the back door.  He "won" a free month by stopping at a booth at a festival.  (I think everyone who filled out a card "won" a free month.) So I let him do it for a month and one month only.

A year later and he's still going.

It's actually been a wonderful thing.  I'm sold on all of it.  I like the physical aspect.  The mental aspect.  And the spiritual aspect.

Ideally, I'd like to see it train him to be more focused, more accepting of himself, and more goal oriented.  But at the moment, I'm having a hard time even getting him to go.

When I pick him up, it's the same thing: "Can we skip it, just for today?"


I bet you can hear the whine.

I guess I'm somewhat of a hard-nose because I almost never let him skip out. Today, he was hot.  Yes, it's summer, it's New Orleans, it's hot.  Other days, he's tired.


Most days, I think he just wants to go home and watch TV. (More on TV another day.)


He used to love it.  He used to want to skip homework in order to go (lesser of two evils?).  He was so eager to move up to the next sash.


It's been a while since he's moved up, which might be part of the problem.  But in general, for him and maybe for lots of kids with ADHD, it's hard to encourage perseverance.  That's bad enough for Kung Fu; worse for schoolwork.


Recent studies show that tenacity has a greater impact on achievement than intelligence - a challenge for kids who have a brain-based deficits in these areas.


So how do you encourage perseverance? 

The Medication Dilemma

I really believe medication has helped my son. Like ALL parents in our situation, we struggled with the decision to medicate. No one – NO ONE – likes giving their child medication, especially something that you know is a stimulant. We had sought a diagnosis after a school year that had grown progressively rougher. Homework, in second grade no less, was a nightmare. Whole evenings were given up to it and they were unpleasant for all involved. There was an incident at school where Dylan crawled under a desk and wouldn’t come out because he didn’t want to do the assignment. Nothing about his relationship to school felt right.

Even without school and homework, Dylan was a tyrant. It literally felt as though there was NOTHING we could say to him that would elicit a positive response. Everything was fodder for an argument and a meltdown. I began to dread evenings. Something was definitely not right.

Dylan struggled with friendships. He had a hard time keeping friends and those he had, he bossed around until they didn’t want to be around him anymore. Every slight was a cruel blow to his feelings, according to him. He couldn’t handle anything that didn’t go just exactly to his idea of it, and his ideas were extreme. This didn’t seem like typical behavior.

Even with all that, even after the diagnosis, we weren’t convinced about medication. But after a particularly rough evening of yelling and angst (on both sides), RockStar turned to me and said “When is he going on medication?”

I do not regret starting meds.

Since then, we’ve tried several, which is not uncommon. His first medication wasn’t even a pill; it was a patch. I don’t remember the dosage he started on, but I think he got up to about 30mg on the Daytrana patch. It worked adequately, but not great. We saw improvement, especially in behavior, but not enough in school attention. After about six months, we tried Metadate CD.

The first month or so on Metadate was heaven. Heaven! Homework would be done when we picked him up at school. He was focused and a pleasure to be around. We thought we had found nirvana!

I don’t know what happened, but the super effects of the Metadate began to taper off. Homework wasn’t getting done at school. His teacher reported he was less focused in class and the teacher wasn’t sure what he was retaining and what he wasn’t. Weekends, when we didn’t use medication, were even worse. Major meltdowns over trivial stuff. We began medicating on the weekends, but there still seemed to be a gap – a difference between what we had seen was possible and what we were experiencing. There were lots of battles over homework, questionable grades, and frustration from teachers. We briefly switched to Vyvanse, but the rebound from it was awful so we went right back to Metadate. We thought about upping the dose or trying something new, but since the school year was almost over, we held off.

That was the first summer of the medication vacation.

It really was a great vacation. Arguments lessened considerably. He actually began eating lunch again. Of course, there was no schoolwork and no homework, save for a summertime school project, which lessened the stress. It was very relaxing.

When school reopened, the meds restarted. He was still on 30mg of Metadate CD, but it soon became apparent that it wasn’t doing much. He was doing horribly in school right off the bat. We had a meeting with the teachers and they thought he wasn’t even on meds!

So we increased it to 40mg. We saw improvement…but again, that heavenly nirvana experience was elusive. We considered trying Concerta and even got a prescription, but he wouldn’t/couldn’t swallow the pill. Homework remained a struggle and grades were uneven. Dylan went into the holiday break with Cs and a D on his report card.

Understandably, we were losing faith in Metadate. After speaking with his pediatrician, we decided to try Focalin after the school break. The doctor put him on 30 mg and to this day, I’m not sure it was the right dose. I think the doctor wanted to start with a lower dose and work up if needed.

It was like he had no medication at all. We tried to stick it out, but I was getting angry notes from the teachers about work not getting done. Homework was even more of a nightmare. We could have tried upping it, but we went back to what now felt like home base – the Metadate. While it wasn’t nirvana and it looked like it never would be nirvana, it at least seemed to have some effect.

By this point, I had read a lot about ADHD and executive function deficits. It was very apparent that Dylan had working memory issues, something that had first been pointed out by a tutor. I tried to get the school to approve him for pscyhoeducational testing to see just what we might be dealing with, but their opinion was that he wasn’t failing so they wouldn’t send him for testing.

Meeting with the Student Assistant Team always – and I do mean always – ended up with them recommending we try different medications or different dosages. Yes, I’m aware that they are definitely not supposed to do that, but anyone who has been the sole parent in one of those meetings surrounded by 8-10 teachers, administrators, social workers, etc. At the same time, I was becoming frustrated by the meds. There were definite side effects.

When Dylan was first on meds, probably for the first nine months, sleep was a major issue. Like many, we turned to melatonin, which really was a Godsend, but it was treating drug issues with drugs. It felt like we were having him take his uppers in the morning and his downers at night.

Eating was a huge problem since Dylan had never been a big eater. I would read recommendations on blogs and message boards to get more calories in him, but few if any were helpful for Dylan himself. Always picky, he started passing on foods he once liked – foods that might help keep his weight up and provide him with appropriate nutrients to help him in school. Eggs were one. I would gladly have made him eggs every morning, any way he liked, but suddenly, he didn’t like eggs anymore. Peanut butter and jam were once a staple until suddenly, he didn’t like that either. I felt as though his food list was getting shorter and shorter.

The only time he was really hungry was when he first got home from school. Blogs and articles suggested having dinner right away, no matter how early it was, but if we did that, homework never got done. So I would make a big snack, so big it was almost a small meal in bite-sized pieces. I tried to get protein in there, but cheese was the only reliable protein I could get him to eat. (Even when he was “starving,” he would be picky. He would also be terribly grouchy when he was hungry and it wasn’t worth fighting over food.

As challenging as the sleep and eating issues were, the picking habits were worse. Most of the time on meds, Dylan would pick at his fingers and toes. This is really a normal habit for him, just worsened by the meds. It’s not uncommon to see him chewing on his toenails. Yes, you read that right. I think he must be double-jointed to be able to do it.

During the worst spells of it, he would worry a bug bite or some other blemish anywhere on his body. A small crack on his lip would become a huge scab in a day. To my complete horror, he would pick his nose anywhere, anytime, to the point of bleeding. The negative social aspect of it bothered him, but it was like a compulsion and he couldn’t stop.

The only upside was that these spells came and went. I think they were related somewhat to anxiety.

By the end of the school year, largely at the urging of the school, we had increased meds to 50 mg, but we weren’t seeing a huge improvement. When we made the switch, I asked his teachers what they saw, but they were vague. This is an emailed comment from his main teacher. Keep in mind that she is a native French speaker:

Dylan has been more focus and getting more done during the day because I have had more individual time with him this quarter and especially this last week….I personnally do not feel that he is more focused on his own

We had also added a “bump dose,” again at the urging of the school, of 5mg of Ritalin. Because we work, the school nurse had to give it to him and the most convenient time (to correspond to when other kids get their bump doses) was at around 1:00pm. It really did nothing to help with homework which was as miserable as ever for everyone involved.

Dylan ended the school year with almost straight Cs. Not horrible, not wonderful. Not, honestly, a reflection of his intelligence or intellectual curiosity.

This summer, I was both anxious and excited about the prospect of taking another medication vacation. Would it be successful? Would he react the same way?

So here we are, three weeks into the summer and three weeks into this latest medication vacation. And it has been wonderful! We’ve had very few arguments and very few meltdowns. When we do have them, they are pretty short lived and manageable. Dylan’s disposition seems to be sunnier.

The only exception has been during testing, when the psychologist specifically asked us to have him on meds. The difference was startling. He seemed so … ambivalent. Unenthusiastic. I asked him about it, about how he felt when he was on the meds and he used the word “gloomy.”

I could easily fall into terrible guilt over this. But I don’t think any of us could have recognized the difference, which came on so slowly. And looking back at how we started and where we were, I don’t think I would have made a different decision.

But at this moment, we are not sure where we are going.

I don’t have any illusions. I know that if Dylan suddenly had school and homework, we would battle over it. He wouldn’t want to do it. He would struggle with it. In fact, I have a bit of a learning program for him for the summer (basically to make up for the things I think he missed this year) and he has pushed back against that.

Would he do worse in school off meds? My guess is that he would. That while the meds certainly didn’t (and really couldn’t) make up for his executive function deficits, they do provide some measure of attention and focus, even if it’s not all of what he needs.

Should we, could we try a different med? Even at age 10, Dylan is still not easily swallowing pills, which narrows our selection significantly. We’ve already tried most if not all of the capsule pills that we can open up.

Of course there’s a range of non-pharmaceutical options, such as homeschooling and neurofeedback, neither of which we can remotely afford. I don’t know of a local private school that specializes in ADHD and even if there were one, we couldn’t afford that, either.

Right now, we have more questions than answers.We await the results of the testing which I hope will give us tools to use, even if it doesn’t point us in a straight line to the path we should follow.

And we have the prospect of an upbeat, relatively gloom-free summer without the pressure of school-based homework. I’ll take it!