To Award or Not To Award

Today was 1st - 3rd Grade Awards Day.

When I went to school, there was no such animal. If you got straight As on your report card, your family might do something special, like take you out for ice cream, but that was about it.  The school provided the report card and it was there that their recognition stopped.

Times have changed.

At our school, there are numerous awards given out, with exponentially greater numbers of students receiving each award.  There's the Beta Honor Roll awards that goes to students who maintain a B average.  And the Alpha Honor Roll awards for A average students.  The Principal's Awards go to straight A students who maintain an outstanding behavior record for the entire year.  That to me is an accomplishment worth recognizing, although I worry about the recipients of those awards, too.

Then there are the citizenship awards for other students who maintain outstanding behavior throughout the year (but without the straight As).  There are awards for perfect attendance and for being on the pep squad.  Two students from each French immersion class received awards (overall French grade and most improved), while a number of non-immersion students also received French awards for their progress in learning the language.  There are art and music awards, and an overall band award.  Finally, each teacher is permitted to select one student for their "Husky Paw" award, to recognize someone who may not particularly shine academically or otherwise fit in one of the categories.

Despite all of these awards, there are always a few students - merely a handful - who receive no awards at all.  My heart breaks for them.

I understand that the school wants to reward effort and to motivate students who have ability but just haven't made it to the next level.  But to me, the awards process singles out these remaining students and imprints them with failure.

That said, the awards program was kind to Dylan this year.  In first grade, at our first awards program, both of us went into it having no idea what to expect.  They gave out the awards in a little different order that year and Dylan sat there watching student after student get up to receive an award.  By the time he finally did receive one, my emotional guy was in tears. 

This year, Dylan earned an award within the first few minutes, recognizing his B average.  He went on to get a medal for citizenship and a certificate for his participation in chorus.  But the most exciting moment came when he received a Husky Paw reward from the music teacher, recognizing his enthusiasm in music.  It was a very special moment for him...and for me!

with all of his awards

Should they give out all these awards?  I don't know.  I worry about the kids who receive none.  I worry about the Principal's Award winners who build up their expectations so high so young. That's a lot to maintain over the next dozen or years or so.  I worry about the kids in the middle who'll think they are doing enough because they got a medal, any medal.  And I worry that all the kids will assume that if you show up and smile you'll always get a reward.

For Dylan, it works.  As the kid who will never be the brightest or the fastest, he needs recognition to keep him going.  And so far, he's not content, saying for the third year in a row that he wants to "win" the Principal's Award.  And therein lies the rub: teaching him that these awards are solely a reflection of the work he puts in, and not a competition or popularity contest.

Lemonade Day

If you don't know, today was Lemonade Day. Although their website does not immediately make it clear, it's a nationwide day for kids to try their hand at setting up a lemonade stand.  One of the main sponsors is Junior Achievement and the materials you pick up talk about finding an investor, purchasing supplies, setting goals, advertising, location, etc.  It's really a great concept. 

Too bad we've been too busy to prepare. I registered Dylan before he even knew about it, and had RockStar pick up the materials. But then I didn't want to get Dylan wound up before bed so I didn't bring it up at night.  And we were somehow always busy during the day. Or I'd plan to tell him but I'd forget. And before I knew it, it was here. 

We did speak a little about it on the way to school on Friday and looked over the materials before Cub Scouts on Friday night. I tried to get him to think about goals and location. But he was mostly interested in what to call it. He decided on Lemons into Lemonade, which I'll admit is pretty clever.

I'll admit that the lemonade stand could have stood with a little more planning.  The "stand" ended up being two flimsy card board boxes, one on top of the other.  Dylan desperately wanted to make lemonade from scratch, but I finally convinced him that we didn't have the time this go round.  With having to run around and get supplies, the stand didn't even open until about noon.

Our location plans also didn't go as planned. Had we planned earlier, I would've suggested that he set up in City Park, but I came up with the local library as a good alternate for foot traffic.  Only problem:  as a government entity, they were not allowed to participate in any kind of solicitation.  (I wonder if we had asked earlier and gone up the chain of command, perhaps it could have been arranged.)  So we ended up in front of our house - not exactly a hotbed of traffic.

Despite the lack of traffic, the minimal planning, a wind issue that blew over and spilled one of the pitchers, and even a minor but blown-out-of-proportion incident with a red ant, I'd say that Dylan's first lemonade stand was a success. After paying me back for my investment of $9.00, Dylan cleared a whopping $2.00!  Not enough to buy the Wii he wants to much, but a profit nonetheless, and he was happy about it, which really is the main indicator of success.

I hope that he will do it again next year and that together we'll be able to do a little more planning.  But for now, he's savoring the success of his first business venture. 

The Best Mother's Day Gift

I was already set up to be proud today.  As Dylan's Cub Scout den leader, I knew he would earn his bear patch tonight, along with a series of activity belt loops. He had worked hard to earn the patch, although it's definitely easier when your mom is the den leader.  So I thought I was prepared for the evening's dose of pride.

I picked him up at after-care and we were ready to run off and grab a quick bite before the pack meeting.  Then he ran inside because he forgot "something."  That "something" ended up being a yard sign.  A "student of the month" yard sign!

I've seen these signs around the neighborhood and honestly, I wasn't sure Dylan would ever get one.  I don't even know all that goes into becoming a student of the month.  I thought it was grades, but the recorded voice mail from school suggested that it was more about the school's core values - the "Husky High Five."  While I can't rattle off those core values, I know that it consists of things like being cooperative, being safe, and being helpful.  And while he might argue me to death, he does love to be helpful. 

I'll also admit that I wondered if maybe he was "due."  He told me that every class has a student of the month each month.  Since he has a small class, I thought maybe they had just run through the rest of the class, and it was his turn.  But nope!  According to Dylan, another student - a very bright, all-As kind of kid - has never been student of the month in all of the four years they have been at the school.

A coworker has frequently said she'd rather have a kind, cooperative kid than a smart aleck who gets straight As without even trying.  I guess I've got that kind, cooperative kid.  You know, the Student of the Month. 

I hate Report Card Day

Open admission:  I was a straight-A student, at least most of the time.  Yeah, I had a few Bs here and there.  I think I even had a C at one point (which was devastating to me) but for the most part, I did well in school.  Some things came easy (English).  Some things I had to work at (math).  But I worked hard, got homework done right away, started studying well in advance of tests, and got good grades. 

In third grade, I don't recall a lot of homework or a lot tests.  I have only two really vivid academic memories from that year.  The first involves my handwriting.  On every report card, all of my grades would be S (satisfactory) except for handwriting, which was always U (unsatisfactory).  We didn't have letter grades or even an O for outstanding.  Just S and U.  In the space provided, the teacher's comment was always along the lines of: 

Deirdre is doing well in all subjects except handwriting.  She needs to work harder to improve her script. 

By third quarter, my mom was pretty tired of seeing that U and even more tired of seeing that comment.  She wasn't mad at me, though. 

In those days, we kids brought our own report cards home.  There was a place on it for the parents to sign, as well as lines for them to make comments, and the kids would return them the next day.

That third quarter, in her frustration over the repeated comment about my handwriting, my mother wrote the following in her own perfect Catholic school script: 

Obviously you can read her handwriting since she is doing well in all of her subjects.  

My second vivid academic memory of third grade is "helping" Billy with his schoolwork.  And by "helping," I mean letting him copy my work.  At the end of the school year, Billy was placed in "major works," which was what they called the gifted program at that time.  I was not invited to attend.

Was it my mother's response to Mrs. Gaudet, the fact that my writing wasn't up to snuff, or maybe my teacher just didn't like me? Whatever the cause, it's obvious that I was at least as academically deserving as Billy to go into major works, and very possibly more deserving.  Fortunately, in fourth grade, I had a wonderful teacher.  I don't thing she ever commented on my handwriting, and she saw that I bored in class (I would finish my work and go read in a corner) so she up recommend that I go into major works for the fifth grade. 

So third grade was pretty much the worst of my report card experiences...until I had Dylan.

I don't know if some schools still just send the report cards home with the kids, but at my son's school, the parents have to attend report card conferences if they want to see their child's report card.

It's not that any of Dylan's report cards have been really awful.  But the experience of getting them has been stressful and isolating. 

This past Thursday was report card day.  Or should I say Report Card Day, which is sort of how it's viewed at his school.  Like a bad holiday. 

I used to get there right at 3:00pm, which is when it begins.  But I always found a line of parents ahead of me.  So I got wise and started arriving around 4:00pm, by which time most parents had already come and gone.  That was not the case this past Thursday.  There were three parents in line ahead of me, and one who arrived right after I got there. 

While waiting, the parents chat.  And this is the part I hate most.  There's this constant, subtle one upsmanship.  Attempts at showing how gifted their kids are, hidden by self deprecation.  The dads don't really do this, but let's face it, it mostly moms who are there.   This is an example of the parent chatter:

"Oh, Xavier is starting soccer this week.  I just wish Mssr. Chauvin stop assigning so much homework.  It so interferes with our evening after practice is over.  And he doesn't really need the homework.  It's just busy work for him."

"Why do they want us to talk with them about grades?  I know Alysha is doing well.  It's not as if I don't see the teachers all the time when I'm volunteering."

"No, Ishmael does not participate in study group.  I already pay for aftercare.  What do they think, this is private school?  I can't afford another $50.00 for 12 weeks of tutoring....Christmas?  Oh, we got the kids a Wii, an XBox, that new Nintendo DS, and an iPad.  I wish Mssr. Chauvin would hurry.  My Lexus needs a tune up."

 It's even worse when they come out of the conference.

"Xavier got a 3.6, can you imagine?  I'm so disappointed in him.  I know he can do better than that.  He got a B in reading.  In reading!  That is even in his own language!  How does he expect to get into a good high school?  I'd rather that he were put in a lower reading group if the best he can get is a B."

Suffice it to say, I go into the report card conference from an entirely different perspective.  I would do cartwheels if Dylan had all As and Bs.  Heck, I'd do them if he had all Bs.  This quarter, he did get an A in language, which is his best subject.  And a B in math and in reading, both of which he struggles with.  But he got Cs in science and social studies.  While he vacillates over his opinion of social studies, he loves science, so it is frustrating in that even in a subject he loves, he struggles. 

So while it wasn't a bad report card, it's on the edge.  And, in discussion with the teacher, well...I have to wonder if some of those grades truly reflect his work.  Dylan gets accommodations and his teacher isn't convinced, sometimes, of what Dylan knows.  Dylan is permitted to answer verbally and...I think the teacher necessarily coaches the answers out of him.   And only grades him on the answers he completes, rather than the full test.  Even with accommodations, Dylan often does not complete the tests in ample additional time. 

Dylan needs academic help.  Our financial situation makes it difficult to pay that $50.00 a quarter for the study group, but because he needs every bit of help he can get to learn the material, we make it happen.  But it's group study with other kids, most of whom don't have significant academic issues.  Even that can only help so much.
 
He doesn't participate in sports because there's no way homework would get done.  And while homework often does seem like too much, he needs the review.  He does do a couple of activities but we watch it closely to make sure it doesn't impact his learning.  That said, the activities do help his self esteem and that is crucial for him.  Because he often does not feel good about himself in his academic life.

It's not that he's not smart.  He is bright and creative and interested in everything around him.  But keeping academic information in his brain in a usable way escapes him.  

It's hard for him, maybe even more so because a number of the kids in his class really are gifted.  Dylan feels bad when he doesn't do as well as those kids.  He wants to be that kid who zips through the test and gets an A.  But his brain, his distracted, frenzied brain, just won't let him.  And it's heartbreaking. 

I hate listening to those other parents go on about the wonderful things their kids are doing because it is wonderful and they - the parents - don't appreciate it.  Homework is annoyance for them, not an all-evening undertaking that often doesn't even result in completion.  They moan about the cost of after school help when they lavish fabulous electronic gadgets on their kids.  They're disappointed over excellent grades and in third grade no less!  Honestly, I want to slap them and say, "Hey, it could be worse!  Quit complaining and thank your lucky stars that your child can get through a test in the allotted amount of time.  That you have the time to volunteer, that  your child doesn't need tutoring or that you really could afford it if you wanted to, that even with soccer, your child can get his homework done."

So yes, I hate Report Card Day.  I wish a U in handwriting was all I had to worry about. 

Mom-esteem

It can be tough to be a mom today. 

Moms are expected to be everything.  To cook amazing meals that are healthy and use only organic ingredients.  To keep a nice home with personal touches worthy of a Martha Stewart inspection.  To be fully involved with their kids' lives and provide just the right mix of assistance and independence.  To balance work and family with ease.  To be mom, wife, friend, and helper. 

Failing any one of these - even remotely - can be a blow to a mom's self-esteem. 

Add in some sort of challenge (say...ADHD) and your mom-esteem really takes a beating. 

There are days when I feel invincible, like the best mom on the block.  On those days, I am sure that God delivered my son specifically to me because no one else could give him the same balance of encouragement, structure, and love. 

Then, there are the rest of the days. 

It is really hard to keep up your mom-esteem when your son is screaming at you.  Because you have made his life miserable.  Because you said it's time to turn off the TV.  Or because you want him to put the stick away. 

School is really hard on mom-esteem.  I don't know if there ever was a time when parents weren't judged by how their kids do in school.  But I know that the stakes seem awfully high these days. 

Typical conversation:  Other mom:  "Did your son finish his project on his favorite world culture?" 

Me:  "What project?"

Other mom:  "You know, the one where they have to bring in some example of another world culture.  Trevor chose Malaysia and we are making nasi kandar for the whole class."

Me:  "Did I miss this?  I don't know anything about this." 

Other mom:  "Your son is in the gifted program, isn't he?"

Then there's doing homework. I mean, they do teach this stuff in school, don't they?  Some days, it just doesn't seem that way.  And I feel utterly incapable, which is hard to take for a well-educated woman who generally thinks she can do it all.  But how do you explain the executive, judicial, and legislative branches when your 8-year-old just doesn't seem to get it?  Or make a strong-willed child read a chapter book when he really wants to read a picture book he knows by heart?

Of course, ADHD itself is hard on mom-esteem.  Yes, the main body of evidence suggests that these kids are born this way.  And living with Dylan's undiagnosed dad would suggest that there is a definite genetic component to it. But then there's the suggestion that pesticides are a factor.  That lack of exercise exacerbates the symptoms.  That guten or casein or sugar or dye are to blame.  There's plenty there to beat up the old mom-esteem. 

And if you aren't willing or able to radically change your whole life to see if it makes a difference?  It's a wonder we moms even get up in the morning.